Ups, Downs & Coping

Hello guys 🙂 **Trigger warning, speaking about self harm, please give this post a miss if this kind of thing triggers you <3**

It’s been a long while since I posted but as the title states I’ve been having a rocky patch, I’ve been having my high, mania moments where I’m on top of the world, but I’ve been having BIG lows, two days ago I went into some kind of trance like state. I’d been completely fine all day, it came to about after half past midnight and I started to get angry and unable to control the hatred I was feeling, my fiancé noticed and saw everything but I had no clue of how I was acting. It got to a peak of danger when my fiancé found me trying to slash my left wrist and arm with a pair of scissors, he had to struggle with me to remove the scissors, which after he did he hid them. Whilst he hid them, I had a strong urge, I had to feel and inflict some form of physical pain on myself, so I sunk my teeth really hard into the skin on my right arm, biting harder when I realised there was no blood, feeling that I’d failed my rush/urge. My fiancé held me down and said You need to stop, why are you doing this in a very direct tone. 

At that moment, I closed my eyes and saw a mixture of strobe/flashing red, yellow and black colours as I burst into a flood of hysterical tears. I was returning back to my normal state and had Absolutley no clue what had just happened, what was going on or why I did what I did. With the comforting and  reassuring of my fiancé, I came round from the episode and went to sleep as he continued to soothe me. I know this must be incredibly difficult for some people to read, but like I’ve said before I want to say every single raw moment I can, to show the reality of my mental illness. Also, it’s such a release of emotions and weight off my shoulders typing it out and sharing it. I shouldn’t be ashamed, this is me. But it angers me that I am this way and after over a year and a half have still not been provided the full help that I require. The system is that jam packed with no funds, it’s such an awful thing. All in all, I just want to say to anybody, please do whatever you can to help mental health, whether it be donating to charity, spreading awareness, speaking of what needs to be done to make an actual change for the better. Every tiny thing, will eventually make a HUGE difference. We just need to stand together and make sure we keep pushing forward with progress. 

Thankyou so much for taking your time to read my post, and remember you are a warr;or  ❤ 

My head feels utter dispair when I look in the mirror.

**Warning-Could trigger as I am speaking about rather negative things related to my mental illness, including self harming. So please avoid reading further if you think this will bother you** 
Hello everyone, it’s been a short while but I thought I’d write a blog post. As titled above, I am in a low point at the moment, what else can I say other than I hate myself. I have a stomach squeezing feeling of disgust when I see my ugly face and body in the mirror. I know this is incredibly negative, but I want you all to see the other sides to mental health other than the advocacy and speaking out. I want to show you the raw, real emotion I feel at my low part of the mental health spectrum.

Honesty is the most important thing, it gives the most crystal clear view of reality and right now I’m going to tell you how I’m feeling about myself. Currently I hate the way I look, in all honesty I’ve never liked the way I’ve looked and will never be happy with the way I look. Regardless of the changes I’ve tried to make, with lost weight, weight on, make up on, make up off, I will never look better. It disgusts me to see myself and to revolt people everyday with my disgusting looking appearance. I’m so ugly, nothing about me is pretty in the slightest, I don’t like one thing about myself. You know, I think that little of myself that I feel I’m not worthy to go into certain clothes stores or wear certain things, even if it’s a colour nail polish or a pair of gloves or hat. I won’t go into certain shops because I feel like someone as disgusting as me as no right whatsoever to be looking or buying from them. 

Honestly, I’ve tried to change my opinion but I guess it stems back from bullying as a child and teen. Yes,  the whole bullied at school now insecure. But it just shows how badly bullying can impact somebody’s life later on into adulthood. I wasn’t the skinniest, I wasn’t the prettiest, I wasn’t the popular one. I was the one laughed at, called fat, ugly. It’s scarred me way depper than I could of ever predicted. I’ve spoke to my psychiatric nurse about this and psychiatrist and they believe that this is part of my BPD, but I haven’t been given any therapy to help. Is there even therapy to help with this? I don’t even know. I’m not telling a sob story for attention or sympathy, but I just want to vent my inner sadness and worthlessness. Because I know the route this will go if I continue to wallow in my pit of dispair in silence. Crying myself to sleep silently, hitting myself in the face because I hate it so much, biting my arms because I hate my body. Self destructing, self harming behaviour and it continues further. 

Sorry that this post has been a more negative vibes post but I want to be brutally honest in the open so I don’t self destruct, I need to save myself from myself by talking. Being honest. Showing more about the mental illness I’m struggling with. Thankyou for taking your time to read this, enjoy your weekend. And remember you are a warr;or ❤

It’s been a short while…but I’m back…

Hey Everyone, hope you’ve not forgotten about me haha. I’ve been away for a short while so haven’t been able to blog but I’ve returned and going to continue posting as usual 🙂 Hope you have all been doing well and are having a lovely summer, the weather has sure been beautiful for it 🙂 Take Care and remember you are a warr;or♥

Speak Up! Your stories are needed <3

Hey Everybody! Hope you have had a fabulous weekend 🙂

I just want to start this blog post off with a big thankyou to Aiden Hatfield who retweeted my blog on Twitter, Aiden runs a clothing brand called ‘In Music We Trust’ that supports Mental Health, on the site you will find different wearable products from T-Shirts, to Backpacks, to Wrist Bands. What is incredible is that 50% of the clothing brands profits are donated to Mind Charity! So by buying their beautiful merch, you are contributing to helping a brilliant service that Mind Charity provides. I shall be getting a top from the site in the coming weeks, so keep an eye out for a post about the T-Shirt when I receive it 🙂 In the mean time check out their wonderful site for yourself 😀 http://inmusicwetrust.co.uk/ 

Let’s get started with this post, all about speaking up! When I grew up, I was never exposed to hearing about anybody’s mental health struggles, other struggles yes, but Mental Health problems, no. It wasn’t purposely but it was because Mental Illness used to be and still is sometimes frowned upon in a way, so people didn’t really tend to want others to know about their mental health issues. I remember when I used to go to places when I was younger and would hear adult whispering about ‘that cousin of someone across the road going crazy’. The way people spoke, it seemed like people suffering with Mental Health problems were monsters. 

Well, since then I’ve grown up and times gone by since 1994 (when I was born haha) and people have became more vocal about Mental Health, there are charities, help lines, more people sharing their stories. And this leads me to exactly what I’m talking about in my title. I understand some people want their private life, private and that’s completely understandable. But there are some people who may want to share their stories but feel afraid of how other people may react. Well, I’d like to say that if you have information you want to share about your experiences with Mental Health Issues then please speak up, share your story. The more people that talk, the more people that share their feelings, their experiences, their views, help educate others about Mental Health. the more we speak, the more we educate and people will become more understandable and more comfortable hearing the stories that might match their own. It will make people feel less alone, less scared and more hopeful. They are reading pure, factual information that could give them tips to help live their own lives in a happy more comforting way. Speaking will help others feel accepted. The importance of sharing your stories could save a life or give someone hope and that is an incredibly powerful thing. If I hadn’t seen some of the stories people shared then I would still be locked inside my house, feeling crazy and not wanting to see the light of day. But by seeing others courage and strength to talk about their Mental Health Struggles helped me feel less alone and more connected and hopeful about my life on a day to day basis 🙂

If you have a Mental Health blog of your own or want to share any of your experiences or tips to help with Mental Health, then please feel free to share with me or in the comments below and I would love to check them out and hear what you have to say. Have a lovely week, and remember you are a warr;or♥ 

Oh! Before you go my lovelies please check out Aiden Hatfield’s twitter @AidenHatfield , plus the twitter page of his amazing Mental Health clothing line @imwtclothing  , thankyou! ♥

BPD & Me.

Heyy, What’s up everyone 🙂 Today I wanted to do a post a bit more about me and my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.) It felt it would be important to give you a more in depth view of how it effects me and how I feel living with it.

I have gone through, what I call, good and rough patches since my mid to later teens, the span of hyper, happy moments and sad, depressive, rough moments could change every few months. I thought it was just how emotions were and carried on, even though I started to self harm in my later teens, which clearly showed there may be more to it but I just didn’t realise. And then it all came crashing down last year, I turned 23 in March last year, had a full time job, a boyfriend and family and everything was okay….until. 

It crept on me, very discreetly, the first sign I remember was being at work and  serving customers but my legs would go numb, my heart would beat intensely and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, this carried on a couple of weeks until I became so terrified to go to work. I couldn’t leave the house. I had this huge feel of terror and depression that I couldn’t face people or daylight, I had crippling panic attacks that I woke up with at 3am, I felt like I was dying. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I didn’t know who I was, what had happened to me or why. I went to the doctors, they put me onto anti depressants. I then referred myself to be assessed for ttherapy. But the therapist couldn’t help me. At this point I was suicidal, scratching  and cutting myself became a regular thing, pulled my hair out in huge clumps, biting myself and hitting myself became a regular thing. I had attempted to drown myself in my bathroom but  I couldn’t go through and in hindsight and I’m thankful I didn’t. 

The therapist knew there was something more than social anxiety and depression and also with the added suicidal thoughts/attempt they wouldn’t touch me, referred me for assessment with a psychiatric nurse who then sent me to the Psychiatrist. All of the referrals and waiting took a good 9 months until I finally got a diagnosis from the Psychiatrist, who also prescribed me anti psychotics. Borderline Personality Disorder . I’d never heard of it before, so when I got home that evening I looked it up. For the first time, in nearly a year I felt like I understood something about me. The symptoms it stated were me, they were all the things I thought was alien and never hear of and that I was crazy. No, no, I wasn’t. I just had something I didn’t realize I had and had never heard of before.

To tell you a bit about what it is like to have BPD, you don’t have a sense of who you are. Your personality, likes and dislikes can change depending on who you are with or who you are inspired by at that moment. You feel no self worth and can apologize overly for unnecessary reasons. You go from feeling euphoric and invincible to depressed and nothing from anything between weeks, minutes or seconds. I can’t tell when I am going to switch. Experiencing psychosis, which is Hallucinations and voices which aren’t really there. These are a few to name.

This could be more detailed and there is more to my story, but I just want to let you know a bit more insight and shall write more posts in the future about it. I also want you to know that you are not alone and there are so many people waiting out there to help you. If you ever need to talk or any advice please feel free to sent me a message. You’re a beautifully unique person and these things you experience are not bad, it’s just what makes you unique and that you need help managing. And there is always someone there to help. Thankyou for reading and remember you are a warr;or♥

One Month Anniversary!

Hello Beautiful people, Today is InMyHead’s one month anniversary 🙂 I just want to say a huge thankyou to every single person who has taken their time to read my posts and support my blog by following, reading, liking. I am so utterly thankful. This website has became a mental sanctuary for myself and hopefully for some of you guys. Hopefully the tips I have shared from my own experiences, have or will help you. I plan to continue updating my blog with tips and other posts related to Mental Health and hope that you continue to read and enjoy. Have a lovely day and remember you are a warr;ior♥

Panic Attacks -Self Care Tips

Hello beautiful people, I hope you are doing well 🙂 Today my post is about Self Care Tips for when you have a panic attack. Panic Attacks happen out of the blue and can feel incredibly suffocating and uncontrollable. You are unaware of what is happening to your body and this causes you to panic more, making the attack continue more intensely. I have experienced and still do occasionally experience panic attacks and know how awful and difficult they are to deal with. Today I’m going to share some tips on what you can do whilst having a panic attack, which have helped me in my own experiences, to help get you through in a more controlled and calming manner.

Panic Attacks at Home

• Take yourself to a place in your home that you feel most relaxed/calm, your little own sanctuary whether it be your bedroom, bathroom, lounge, or even your back garden. Anywhere that you feel your most comfortable. 
• If you have somebody that lives with you who comforts you, ask them to come with you and assist you throughout the attack. If there is no person like that that lives with you, then if you have a pet bring the pet along with you.
• Take a seat whether it is on the floor, chair and take deep breaths. In through the nose and out through the mouth, slowly and calmly. Listen to the sound of your breath and feel the air fill your lungs and release and you exhale. Use this as somewhat of a distraction method.
• Run a tap or play water sounds. The sound of water is very calming to me in panic attacks and helps greatly put me at ease. If you prefer other sounds like birds tweeting, rain, thunder and lightening, there are apps that provide these sounds or even on YouTube there are plenty to choose from. Just let the chosen sound play in the background.
• One thing that really does help me in panic attacks sometimes is guided mediation for panic attacks. You can also find many of these videos on YouTube and it can be incredibly comforting to hear a calm voice speaking and instructing you with your breathing to distract and make you feel more peaceful.
• Keep a cup of water nearby to sip on and sometimes if you feel warm and suffocated, splash water onto your face, arms and wrists and this will cool you down and relieve that added pressure.

Outdoors

• If you are out shopping, walking, eating etc. Just generally out and not at home you may experience a panic attack and some of the facilities available at home are not available to you where you may be. So these are different ways to accommodate the different situation.
• Take earphones and an ipod, mp3, phone etc. So, if you have a panic attack you can you put your earphones in and listen to your preferred sounds still. A lot of the sound apps do not require internet to use so you should be able to use them without wifi or data.
• If you are in a crowded place, take yourself to a more isolated, quiet area. Whether it be toilets or a garden nearby, just take yourself away from any crowds so you can find your own peaceful area.
• Keep an elastic band on your wrist, whenever you go out. A majority of the time I have an elastic band on my wrist and that is so when I feel panicky or am having a panic attack. I lightly snap the band on my wrist to feel a grounded, real sensation that definitely helps. An elastic band is an essential.
• Carry out the same breathing techniques as the home tips. Breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth, slowly and calmly. Listening to your breath and feeling the sensation of the air filling the lungs and releasing as you exhale.

Thankyou for taking your time to read, hopefully some of these tips will help some of you. They have all been tried and tested by myself and are my techniques of helping me through and do help me get through the panic attack in a more controlled and relaxing manner 🙂 Hope you all have a lovely Tuesday and remember you are a warr;or ♥

 

Sunshine and…knitting?

Hello beautiful people! 

So, it’s everybody’s favourite day today, Monday! (Yes…sarcasm to the highest degree.) Well in all honesty this Monday has brought scorching sunshine and warm breezes which I’m sure a lot of you enjoy 🙂 Me being what some refer to me as…a vampire, I prefer the cold, rainy weather haha. But today I thought I’d brave the warmth and brightness and sit outside…in the shade of course! 

The weekend was a rather up and down one for me, I started having panic attacks again. I haven’t had one in months and I’ve two over the weekend leaving me feeling unsettled, scared and on edge the whole time. I decided on Saturday that I needed to find something to do occupy my mind and hands as I felt like a constant ticking time bomb for panic attacks and with each panic attack I feel failure, worrying that I’m reversing all the way back to step one. I need to remind myself that this is not that case and I need to find something distracting rather than giving my mind time to wander. 

So, I decided to knit. Yes, knit and NO knitting is not just for the elderly generation, yes a 24 year old can knit too. Any age can knit, much to the discrimination of some people. Knitting seemed like a fitting choice as my mind and hands will be busy at the same time and that’s exactly what I was looking for. I watched a 27 minute video on the Friday night and by Saturday I bought some wool and needles and began to knit, I’m on my third day of knitting a scarf for myself (I LOVE scarfs 🙂 ) and it’s going surprisingly well, a few dropped stitches but it’s my first time so I’m not going to be a pro. It’s helped definitely and is giving me a feel of pride that I am making something that I will be able to wear and enjoy at the end result 🙂 It feels very rewarding already 🙂 

Anyways, that all I’ve got for now…I better get on with the knitting as the scarf won’t finish itself haha. If anyone of you knit also, comment and share your designs and talents with me and others 🙂 Thankyou for reading and remember you are a warr;or ♥

So, I just read an article…Should people accept side effects that come with mental health pills?…(my opinion).

Hey beautiful people, So as stated in my title I just read an article regarding Whether people should accept the side effects that come with taking mental health pills. I saw this article tweeted out onto my timeline by a twitter user and Mental Health Advocate, I follow @brienblatt (Check out his tweets, especially for mental health related subjects. Very interesting posts 🙂 ) . I opened the link and read the article and thought I would do a blog post expressing my opinion on the subject.

I believe it depends on the individual and the individuals own circumstances. For myself, I take both Anti-Depressants and Anti-Psychotics and the only side effect I’ve had really is gaining weight. But in my opinion if it’s a choice between gaining weight and continuing struggling with the mental strain I had very badly. I’d rather gain weight. Because if I didn’t take the meds, I might not even of had a life or a body to have side effects on without any help and I do because the medication helps me greatly. Also every medication for any condition, not just mental health pills, have side effects but that is what medication does. Regardless, of what it is and what it is for.

Thankyou for reading and remember you are a warr;or ♥

 

My Experience With Hallucinations….

Hello beautiful people, today I’m going to talk to you about my personal experiences with Hallucinations due to my mental health problems. I feel it’s important to share this as the general reaction for when you first experience hallucinations and if you tell someone you have hallucinations is that you are crazy. You are NOT crazy, hallucinations do occasionally occur when someone lives with a mental illness. Not everyone but some people, these hallucinations can be scary, can come in the form of visuals, sounds or voices which aren’t actually there but you see or hear them as if they are real. 

These hallucinations are called Psychosis, which is an added symptom to a mental illness rather than an actual mental health disorder. They can be incredibly scary for the person experiencing them and feel so incredibly real.

My first hallucinations began when I was having my breakdown, I would see ‘black solid silhouettes’ of people passing by me, I passed them off as being too tired and was feeling like I saw these silhouettes due to that. But then one day I sat downstairs with my sister, we were watching TV as we usually would, doing puzzle like crosswords (Sounds nerdy, but I enjoy them, it keeps my brain focused, distracted and gains me more knowledge), when a large rectangular black solid box fell down from the ceiling onto my lap. I jumped and screamed, jumping out of the way of the settee of where this box had fallen onto me…but when I looked there was nothing there, my sister saw nothing there. It was an hallucination and it scared the living daylights out of me.

Since then I have experienced many different hallucinations, such as seeing doors open which aren’t and asking people to close them insistently even when they are already firmly closed, hearing my partner talking to me when he wasn’t saying a thing, the most common being seeing spiders running across me or the bedding. The list goes on and it has became a regular occurrence in my life. Only a few days ago I experienced an hallucination which did ignite the initial fear in me, I was reading my book when I saw something on my wrist. My wrist was covered in cuts and scratches from self harm, I looked at my wrist in horror. I hadn’t self harmed, I haven’t done it in months but my wrist was covered, bloody and injured. Then the cuts and marks faded before my eyes, then re appeared again and then faded several times. 

Hallucinations are a very scary experience for the person experiencing them, advice for those having them; tell somebody you trust about them if it scares you or write them down in a diary. It will make you feel better to share them and get them off your chest, you are not alone and hallucinations are common with mental illnesses and nothing to be ashamed of. Advice for those around people who suffer hallucinations; Be there for that person, listen to them and let that person know that you are there if they want to tell you about their hallucinations. Make them feel comfortable and safe. 

Thankyou for taking your time to read this blog post 🙂 Take care and remember you are a warr;or ♥