Hello guys 🙂 **Trigger warning, speaking about self harm, please give this post a miss if this kind of thing triggers you <3**
It’s been a long while since I posted but as the title states I’ve been having a rocky patch, I’ve been having my high, mania moments where I’m on top of the world, but I’ve been having BIG lows, two days ago I went into some kind of trance like state. I’d been completely fine all day, it came to about after half past midnight and I started to get angry and unable to control the hatred I was feeling, my fiancé noticed and saw everything but I had no clue of how I was acting. It got to a peak of danger when my fiancé found me trying to slash my left wrist and arm with a pair of scissors, he had to struggle with me to remove the scissors, which after he did he hid them. Whilst he hid them, I had a strong urge, I had to feel and inflict some form of physical pain on myself, so I sunk my teeth really hard into the skin on my right arm, biting harder when I realised there was no blood, feeling that I’d failed my rush/urge. My fiancé held me down and said You need to stop, why are you doing this in a very direct tone.
At that moment, I closed my eyes and saw a mixture of strobe/flashing red, yellow and black colours as I burst into a flood of hysterical tears. I was returning back to my normal state and had Absolutley no clue what had just happened, what was going on or why I did what I did. With the comforting and reassuring of my fiancé, I came round from the episode and went to sleep as he continued to soothe me. I know this must be incredibly difficult for some people to read, but like I’ve said before I want to say every single raw moment I can, to show the reality of my mental illness. Also, it’s such a release of emotions and weight off my shoulders typing it out and sharing it. I shouldn’t be ashamed, this is me. But it angers me that I am this way and after over a year and a half have still not been provided the full help that I require. The system is that jam packed with no funds, it’s such an awful thing. All in all, I just want to say to anybody, please do whatever you can to help mental health, whether it be donating to charity, spreading awareness, speaking of what needs to be done to make an actual change for the better. Every tiny thing, will eventually make a HUGE difference. We just need to stand together and make sure we keep pushing forward with progress.
Thankyou so much for taking your time to read my post, and remember you are a warr;or ❤